Underside - 2008: A Premature Retrospective
Author: Darryn King
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Well, well, well. 2008 was quite a year, wasn’t it- The world came closer to total nuclear annihilation than it’s ever been, there was another James Bond movie, Barack Obama became the first African-American US President to be elected and then swiftly assassinated, and how about the surprise ending of the war in Iraq- Didn’t expect THAT.
Anyway, let me take you back to the year that was.
• One year on as Prime Minister of Australia, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd surprised all by assuming his real form as a grotesque, misshapen demon, claiming to be the spawn of Satan and hell-bent on the total, fiery destruction of the human race. It is still generally agreed that his policies are more reasonable humane than those of the previous prime minister.
• Paris Hilton was in another sex tape, Britney Spears did something stupid, Lindsay Lohan did something even more stupid – all will be remembered fondly. RIP.
• In 2007, the most popular baby names for boys were Jack, William and Joshua; the most popular baby names for girls were Isabella, Ella and Emily. None of these names even made it into the top 10 for 2008. The top baby name for 2008 was Schmeewonda (unisex). This was closely followed by Scamp and Tiddles (for boys), and Jane and Escrow (for girls).
• In 2008, people finally stopped using Internet speech in their everyday conversation. j/k LOL! : )
• One year after the Harry Potter saga ended with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, J.K. Rowling has done an about-turn on her promise to refrain from writing another book in the series. In fact, the new eighth book bewildered fans and critics the world over, having the appearance of being messily slapped together in a money-hungry frenzy. The title, Harry Potter and the Money-Hungry Frenzy, did nothing to allay these suspicions.
In other literary news, Dan Brown disappeared up his own arse.
• Meat Loaf released Bat Out Of Hell IV, and it is awesome.
• 2008 saw the first combined international effort to combat climate change and global warming by reducing emissions. Unfortunately, the science was wrong, the polar ice caps expanded, and the entire world was engulfed in freezing temperatures, in which most of the world’s population perished, including three Australians.
The penguin was domesticated. Al Gore was given a kick up the arse.
• Genetic scientists were able to fully map the genetic sequence of the common horse. It was found to be only 0.6 % different to the genetic sequence of Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker. Further studies proved that most guys would rather have sex with the horse.
• Angelina Jolie adopted another Cambodian kid who doesn’t know his fuckin’ luck, honestly.
• Yo-yos had an unexpected comeback and revival, yippee! (In fact 2008 was declared the International Year of the Yo Yo.) Also making a comeback were tamagotchis, lava lamps, the jitterbug, phonebooth stuffing, coonskin caps, Bob Saget, poodle skirts, ‘Yo Mama’ jokes and date rape.
• In fashion, everyone stopped wearing fluoro, please God LET THEM STOP WEARING FLUORO.
• Incorrect usage of the word ‘literally’ continued. Linguists predict that the bastardisation of the English language will carry on “like, forever”.
Meanwhile, the word ‘cunt’ entered common usage.
• Due to the health risks posed to athletes by the level of air pollution, the 2008 Beijing Olympics were moved to Toronto at the last minute. It was declared “The best Olympics ever, eh-”
• Darryn King, Online Editor with popular Sydney street press magazine 3D World and cool guy, was given a generous much-anticipated pay-rise, finally.
• Non-traditional handshakes were outlawed, as was wearing miniskirts and ugg boots together.
• The next generation of gaming consoles are released. The popular Nintendo console the Wii is succeeded by the Poop.
• The following people celebrated their birthdays: everyone.
• The effects of the 2007 strike of the Writers’ Guild Of America began to be seen this year. TV shows were limited to half-baked spin offs, while the film industry opted for a barrage of sloppy sequels and poor adaptations of ’70s TV shows. Oh wait: NOTHING CHANGED. The Hey Dad! movie was pretty good though.
• The world’s supply of gherkins was, suddenly and quite mysteriously, depleted. Nobody cared.
• Some kid in the USA went into school and shot everyone, big fuckin’ surprise. People talked about gun laws for about a week. Nothing changed at all.
• Medical practitioners devised a more reliable technique for detecting prostate cancer than putting their fingers up your bum.
They didn’t tell anybody.
• The following species were declared extinct in 2008: the Leadbeater’s Possum, the Sumatran Flying Squirrel, the Tanzanian Woolly Bat, the Apprehensive Timor Buttonquail, the Shifty Black-hooded Coucal, the Short-Sighted Petrel, the Spectacled Petrel, various types of fish, and the Irwin.
• Only a couple of months after receiving his substantial pay-rise (see above), 3D World Online Editor Darryn King won the 12-million dollar Powerball jackpot and was propositioned by Imogen Bailey. Sweeeeet.
• Apparently aliens exist, who knew-
See ya next year, cunts!