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Underside - How To Work Shitfaced

Author: Jack Hellborn
Friday, 12 October 2007
Today I asked my good friend Matt what he was doing tomorrow. “Can’t do anything tomorrow. Getting on the dingers tonight. I’ll be on the munt.” To my mind, this is an admirable mind frame. Allocating yourself time in which to indulge in artificial relaxation is fun, healthy, and an effective technique to improve time management.

However, not all of us have the luxury of spending two days a week coming down. Because, unlike my good friend Matt, some of us have jobs. We’ve all said it a million times. “I can’t. I’ve got work tomorrow.” This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - Wonderland awaits you, but when you get to the bottom of the rabbit hole, it hurts like a bitch. We’ve all had to make the decision at least once. And we all chose the red pill.

However, through extensive personal experience, and research interviews with some of the best in the business, I have developed a few little ideas about the best ways to deal with going to work hammered.

I used to work in an accounting firm. My official job title was “Office Bitch.” The day after Metallica played Big Day Out, I was in rough shape. I’ll be honest, I thought I was dying. There was a girl in the office about two years older than me (I was 18). She too was clearly enjoying a sturdy comedown. But she made a massive error. She had told the boss earlier in the week that she was going to Big Day Out. The man was watching her like a hawk all day. I arrived at the office, denied having ever been to a rock concert in my life, and made myself a coffee. I then went back and sat at my desk.

While young Collette got a mad roasting from the man, I was ignored. No one spoke to me. No one looked at me. No one noticed my pupils, or the cuts on my hands and neck that, to this day, are completely unexplained. First rule of mixing work with dingers: silence is golden. If the boss knows you're out partying all the time, he'll be looking to pin you when you're hammered. If people don't expect you to be hammered, they won't notice when you are. In the workplace, establish yourself as a quiet, peaceful soul. Speak rarely, and, if you must, in hushed tones. Make regular literary references, and tell the boss you own a cat. Claim to be working on a piece for a string quartet, “but it’s not quite finished.”

Having established yourself in such a manner, coming to work shitfaced almost becomes a pleasure. People leave you alone, wondering what magical thoughts must be crossing that gentle mind of yours. I admit that the effort in establishing this persona may in some cases need to be exceptional, and that the leading of a double life can lead to several unique behavioural problems. However, stick with it, and my method will do wonders for your partying. You can rock in late with dinner plate pupils and stamps half way up your arm, get changed in the toilets and just tell the boss that you went to yoga last night, after you got back from volunteering at the orphanage. “Oh, of course! Ha-ha, how silly of me. If anyone else stank like alcohol and cigarettes like you do, I’d think they were shitfaced. But you wouldn’t do that would you now Jason- Yoga- That explains it. Great stuff. How‘s your poetry-”

I warn you that you might completely lose whatever respect you may have had amongst your workmates if you try my method. But fuck them. I’ve never had a colleague that I actually liked. Colleagues fit into four categories. Too stupid, too drug-fucked, too normal or too old. Unless you work in hospitality when they’re just fucking wankers. So fuck them. Create an alter ego, live a lie at work, and come in as fuck-eyed as you want, whenever you want.