Underside - Committed Relationships V Being A Dirty Slut
Author: Kris Gatt V J-Bomb
Monday, 18 February 2008
Don’t get me wrong. I love random sexual encounters as much as anyone. If you are a dirty I’ll- screw - anything- as -long -as -it's -breathing/has - appropriate- holes -slutgutsplease, continue with my blessing. Long may you prosper.
I remember when the fact that so-and-so was sleeping around with blah-blah was gossip worthy. Nowadays, I tell people that I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and they shit themselves.
Being a slut is passé. Commitment is so the new promiscuity, didn’t you know- See, what was so trendy about promiscuity was the way that it was about fighting for your sexual rights by sleeping with whoever and whatever you wished and not be judged. But now that’s over and it’s all about your right to sleep with one person in a loving and committed long-term relationship. Retro huh-
A common misconception people have about committed relationships is that they are hard work. That is so not true. I mean, really, getting dressed up, going to a club, flirting and then, eventually, not going home with the spunky guy you were really into but instead his rather dopey best friend- Time consuming and ultimately disappointing.
Whereas, imagine this. You are having a sick day. You feel rather sorry for yourself. There is a Mt Everest of tissues on your bedside table. Now, it is only when you are in a committed relationship that you have any chance of any sexual healing in this situation. No random stranger is going to screw you when you have snot pouring out of your nostrils. Or if they did I would seriously be questioning their sexual standards. After all, rashes are so not hot.
But that’s the beauty of a committed relationship. They love you and are thusly duty-bound to have sex with you – not matter what kind of drunken or disgusting state you are in.
It’s all about choosing your partner wisely. Don’t go for just anyone who happens to flash their wang at you – that kind of thinking is for the old, slutty you. Instead, think, could I go away on holiday with this person without wanting to kill them / have sex with their best friend- If you can confidently answer yes to at least one of these questions then you are probably on the right track.
You can’t force the perfect match, no matter what that retarded quiz you did in Cosmo told you all those years ago. But it is important that person you choose for your committed relationship should be your pinnacle. If you ever think ‘holy crap I’m going to be stuck with this person for way too long’, its time to get your nasty arse out of there.
Because, if there is one thing a committed relationship is about, its contentment. So for all you lovers of the laze, totally get yourself a steady relationship. Soon enough you’ll be eating Thai on their sofa, relocating all their cool computer games to your place and not giving a shit what you look like in the morning – and still be able to get some action in before you go to work. Booyah!
OK. Fair enough committed relationships are comfortable, reliable, and there may be a regular supply of sex, but being a dirty slut is one of life’s great pleasures. The unpredictability, the challenge, the thrill, the variety.
Dirty sluts are strong and bold, living on the edge, untied but not un-bonded, the object of lust but not the product of that complicated beast, affectionately and misguidedly called love. You’ll know when love rears its ugly head. You may try and convince yourself it’s the best feeling in the world, denying being tied down (and not in the good way) and starting to emotionally invest in someone else instead of the most important person, yourself. When the time comes to move on you have withdrawals, disbelief, insecurity, or an unpleasant mixture of dirty, dirty, love residue.
In the event of you staying with the person, you’ll either do so because you can’t bring yourself to leave - which is always going to be messy and drawn out; or you’ll stay because you really want to – in which case you’ll be restricted from ever fondling new flange or mange again.
And if you fancy yourself having a little more freedom and happen to break the rules of the agreed contract (or entrapment), both partners of the ‘loving’ bond will string along, pretending to – but never quite – forgive the other person in the long and arduous road of seeking the ideal, utopian relationship. We all know the meaning of ‘utopia’. It is perfect but impossible. You see where I’m going with this. Committed relationships bury further down into a rabbit hole, so when the time comes to get some fresh air and dig some new holes, you can’t even manage to squeeze yourself out of the first one just to grab some damn carrots. To argue against me is to argue against free and right-thinking control of oneself, and carrots. And only dictators hate carrots. They’re crunchy, nutritious, they go well in salads and on rolls. For those of you thinking, ‘oh but when you’re in love nothing else matters’ – fuck you. That’s what I have to say. I like carrots, and I am going to continue to eat them, whether you like it or not.
Of course there’s the syphillus, the genital herpes, and the warts – but these are all part of the danger that makes things so exciting; the flavours of frequent, unprotected sex. What will happen this week, next week, the month after, I don’t know. And I’m happy not knowing.
Meaningless shags, now they are meaningful.