Referees at this year’s Australian Open will be judging whether more than balls are in or out – they’ll also provide the final word on skirt length. Players deemed to be too scantily clad will have to cough up a $2000 fine; they’ll also be reviewing tennis outfits for appropriateness in the weeks leading up to the tournament. This move comes in the wake of Lleyton Hewitt Alize Cornet’s “shocking” see-through top at the Hopman Cup. Bastions of liberal ideals and adult agency, The Australian Family Association, are said to be driving force behind the move. This is a long awaited win for the lobby group, who recently failed in their attempts to ban sunshine, joy and the laughter of children. No word yet on how this new dress code will affect ticket sales among male tennis fans, but we think we can guess.
Over in the UK, discount trend retailer Primark is one of the few chains to have avoided the recent sales slump. Now, thanks to the BBC, everyone knows the secret to their success: illegal immigrants working in sweatshop conditions for half the minimum wage! This revelation comes in the wake of previous Primark scandals involving child labour in India. The BBC made the discovery when they sent a reporter undercover to work for TNS Knitwear – one of Primark’s manufacturers. The woman, who was not a British national, was never asked for work papers, or even her name, before she was sent to work for a mere 3.50GBP (approximately $7.50AUD) an hour. She reported that other employees were working 12-hour days, sometimes seven days a week, in order to support their families. Many were asylum seekers who did not yet have the right to work. TNS denies the BBC’s claims and says the report is “very disturbing.” In related news, Australian Arts graduates are now flocking to the UK with many saying “£3.50 an hour is more than I’ll earn here.”
Kanye West, the designer dudded rapper we normally talk about for the clothes he keeps on, has recently declared his desire to bare all. In an interview with Vibe magazine Kanye announced that as soon as he’s worked-out for “at least two months” he wants to pose nude. “I break every rule and mentality of hip hop, of black culture, of American culture,” he said of the decision. He does realise however, that because of his enormous fame it might be hard to pull off. “I want the freedom of having less fans. It's like the freedom of having less money. If you have less money, you have less responsibility.” He then proceeded to – we’re not joking here – compare himself unfavourably to Bjork, complaining that thanks to her relative obscurity, she can get her kit off on camera as often as she likes. When Kanye’s eventual nude shoot does come out, we’re hoping it will mimic one of last year’s naked Hollywood scandals. We want to see it shot from behind, on a bed, with Kanye’s head turning to stare provocatively at the camera, a white sheet clutched to his chest to protect his modesty. The photographer- Annie Leibovitz of course.
Out (but should be in)
Pet goats – it’s official. More inner-citing dwelling baby boomers should have pet goats instead of sports cars.
Overseas trips – Okay, so the economy has tanked and you’ve lost your job, and now the Government is imploring you not to skip the country, because you have to do your bit for our tourism industry. Stuff that, you know who’s worse off than you right now- Iceland. Go buy a plane ticket so you can laugh at them instead.
Short-sleeved button-up shirts – We want to know, men, what is wrong with these- None of you are doing it. Nicer than a T-shirt and much nicer than a singlet. Sure, they may seem a little bit daggy, and ‘cool dad’, but we trust that you can make it work with your boyish charm.
Ponytails – As you may have noticed, the bun has overtaken the ponytail in the ‘easy to do’ hairstyle stakes. We blame this partly on Cory Kennedy, who revived the top-of-the-head bun (her greatest career achievement thus far). What’s wrong with the ponytail, at once humble and unassuming, and just as good for preventing sweaty necks-
Pretty sandals – With the aforementioned popularity of the gladiator sandal, pretty sandals are a rare find this summer. Gone are the days when shops were stocked with slip on shoes that make you feel like Cinderella AND let you show off your new pedi. Can we please stop being Spartan about this-
Moderation – You seem a little confused. We’re not suggesting that you stick to the guidelines of drinking one standard drink per hour and so on. What we’re saying is, instead of downing half a bottle of vodka and a cocktail of recreational drugs before midnight, try to space out your consumption, making sure you eat lots of greasy food in the process. This way, the chance of being seen vomiting in public is diminished greatly.
Underage hotties – Does it ever worry you when you spend half an hour perving on a babe only to realise that he/she is actually a baby- If you answered yes to that and you read it in a literal sense then you are a sick fuck. We’re not condoning illegal underage activity, but surely it’s okay to put that late adolescent hottie on lay-by-
Culottes – Culottes are an enigmatic item, allowing the floaty feel of a skirt yet the optimal movement and functionality of shorts. Despite associations with school uniforms and netball, try cute floral ones with a pussy-bow blouse. Please note, culottes’ ugly big sister, skorts, are out and should always be out.
Built-in bras – What ever happened to these- Since the rise of ‘celebrity X’ and her nipples, it seems that garments just don’t come with integrated support these days. We say bring ‘em back, as they really are the ultimate for us lazy girls who don’t always like to flash.
Clean shaven-ness – Dudes, Movember is over. So is Decembeard. Let’s lose the ironic facial hair adornments in 2009 and go back to smooth, sweet, suave, suppleness.