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The NL issue 875 - Games Special

Author: Geoff Larsen and Darryn King
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
Is it just the NL, or is there something really wrong about Oporto’s new chicken and egg breakfast burger- It’s like eating a family reunion.
Wait, this hasn’t got anything to do with this column, does it.
Ahem.
I bet I know what you’re thinking. ‘What’s hot in games this month- What’s the games news from all over the world- Tell me about games! God, I get so wet when you talk about games!’
Well, settle down. This week, just for you: all the games news you’re ever likely to need… until next week anyway.
September is a great time on the gaming calendar. We start to get all the games we were promised in April… and we forget about the long drought that has left our Wiimotes in the need of a good dusting. Unfortunately (or fortunately if you have a huge wad of cash) we step out of a drought and into a flood of titles and it can be difficult to know what to spend your hard-earned gamer buck on. So here is a run down of what is hot this September. As a 16-bit Lemming with green hair might say: Let’s Go!

X-BOX 360 / PC
At the moment the majority of the civilised world is playing Bioshock. An underwater sci-fi thriller and spiritual successor to the hallowed System Shock 2. Bioshock casts you into a world of madmen competing for Adam, a source of power allowing a person to alter their very physiology. With tight physics and a level of environmental interactivity as yet unseen in the video game world, Bioshock ensures that you never quite know what’s going to happen when you pull the trigger.
Then of course there’s Halo 3, blah blah blah…

WII
Also, remember when everyone at school had a ludicrous bundle of pixels as a pet- Well, God help us, because Tamagotchis are back - on the Wii. Tamagotchi: Party On comes out in a couple of weeks, with players fighting to become the President of Tamagotchi Planet. Judging from the screenshots, it’s going to be one badass motherfuckin’ game.
Also, as you all know from reading this space religiously, we are finally about to get our goomba on in Australia, with the release of Super Paper Mario. The new news is (well, actually it’s just a rumour at this stage): the virtual console will also be getting the original Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars on the SNES close to the release date.

PS3
September is a big month for the PS3 because of three titles: 1) Stranglehold, a John Woo bullet time extravaganza with more bodies and bullet casings than you’d think would be able to fit on a blu-ray. 2) Warhawk, one of the games Sony used to market the PS3 when it was in its pre-release stage. Warhawk shoves you into the cockpit of a hover-copter-jet thing and lets you scorch some earth. Unfortunately the single-player campaign has been completely dropped and the game has become multiplayer only, though if you’ve got a good connection to the net this one will keep you up burning the midnight jet-hover-copter oil. 3) Heavenly Sword, frantic third person action to keep you busy after you’ve given up on Ninja Gaiden Sigma. While the game reportedly needs a little more polish, this should keep you going until the next big thing. 

DS

Once again it is time to shout across a courtroom with Phoenix Wright: Justice For All… easy to get into and a fun distraction that is definitely different from a lot of the other titles out there. Don’t get too involved however: I’ve seen people sitting on the train with earphones in their ears suddenly yell out ‘Objection!’… they were the laughing stock of me.
A title that might slip you by is a charming fun-loving title called Luminous Arc. It is a cute little RPG dealing with a group of teenage soldiers saving the world from a bunch of witches who they are also infatuated with. Fans of Shining Force and Disgaea will feel right at home.
Rumour has it that in Japan it is against the law for any game in the Dragon Quest series to be released on any day other than a Sunday - reason being that, on days when the games had been released, school and work attendance dropped to record lows. There are even reports of children being robbed of their copies of the game when the titles were not available in the stores.
The Japanese sure like their Dragon Quest.
It has recently been announced that the much-anticipated title for the DS has been delayed to 2008, so if you live in Japan you have to wait a little bit longer until the game is released… and then wait until Sunday.
The reason for the delay seems to be so Square-Enix can work on a Wii game in the same series so let’s forgive them…

PSP
If you are into role-playing and own a PSP then this is the month for you. A kind of mish-mash of all the other titles in the series, Tales of the Radiant World sees you crawling through dungeons with loveable anime characters in order to save the World Tree (seriously). Generations of Chaos IV, which is actually the first in the series to be released outside of Japan, lets you take control of an army general in a title that has a lot of depth - as long as you are willing to invest a lot of time. Finally if you are looking for a more western take there is Dungeons & Dragons Tactics, a game that replaces a big pair of animated eyes with a big pair of d6 die.

VIDEO GAME INSULTS (HOW TO TALK LIKE A DORK)

Finally, I stumbled upon these on the Interweb. Video game insults for video game nerds. They were too good not to share with you. Enjoy.

You’re so bad at Contra that after playing it with 30 lives and using all of the continues, you didn't know that the game scrolled.

You're so bad at Tetris that on two-player mode a guy can beat you with a controller that has broken left and right buttons.

You're so bad at RPGs that when somebody asks you where you're stuck, you say, "The file select screen."

You're so bad at Castlevania Adventure that you say you need a slow-motion controller to play it well.

You're so bad at Bomberman 64 that you can't find the Knight Suit!

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