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Not 3D World's News

Author: 3D Editors
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
JESUS CHRIST TO HOLD SECOND COMING AT OXFORD ART FACTORY
The only begotten son of God, Jesus Christ, has excited fans with plans to return to our Earthly realm in a one-night-only appearance in Sydney at Oxford Art Factory in early 2008, supported by local DJ Kato. “I am the light and the way and the salvation of man, and this is the one my fans have been waiting for,” Christ said in a statement on Monday. The voice of God, Metatron, confirms that the Messiah has tentative plans to play more dates, beginning in the latter half of June and running through August. Hillsong Church are reportedly in a bidding war with Chugg Entertainment over exclusive rights to the tour, with Hillsong expected to increase member–taxes to 40% of their annual income to fund a winning bid. “Jesus will play almost exclusively in markets where He has not gone,” Metatron says. He “may go back to a market that was underplayed the first time around,” he adds. There is also a chance for a brief run in Japan. “The performance and the experience is freighted with the potential for something extraordinary to occur,” Christ says. “God knows what will happen. Yeeeeaaaaa!” Tickets available from moshtix.com.au.

DRUG SCARE CAMPAIGNS SEND KIDS BACK TO HEROIN
Shocking new evidence released today shows that Government anti-drug advertising campaigns have reduced the use of marijuana and amphetamines by up to 60% in the past six months, while heroin use has soared by 57%. Research by the National Drug and Alcohol Research Council has revealed that the drug scare campaigns have been so effective, they’ve turned users back to less frequently targeted narcotics. According to one drug user surveyed by the NDARC, “Every time I open a magazine or turn on the TV I hear that weed gives you schizophrenia, ice turns you psychotic and makes you peel off your skin and ecstacy will kill you with one tablet, so I figured it’s best to just go back to tried and true smack - as far as I can tell it hasn’t done anything too bad in the last ten years.”

FEMALE SPEEDERS TARGETED BY ‘GAPING VAGINA’ ADS
The success of the Federal Government’s ‘pinky waggle’ anti-speeding advertisement campaign, which insinuates that young male speeders have small penises, has led to trials of a similar campaign targeting female speeders. The new series of ads feature another hand signal, the ‘gaping vagina’, which is made by pressing the hands together and then opening a large gap between the heel of the palm and the fingertips to create the impression of a large vagina. At the launch of the new campaign a spokesmen for advertising agency Gen y Tal Creatives Ltd said that, “Our research has found that the use of this hand signal is just as effective in getting female drivers to slow down as the ‘pinky waggle’ is with men. I mean, no woman wants it insinuated that there’s no traction in the action.”

SURVEY SHOWS: MANY KEFFIYEH SCARF WEARERS NOT ACTUALLY PALESTINIAN SUPPORTERS
In a shock survey result, The Daily Dose can reveal that most of the fashionistas currently sporting the fashionable black and white keffiyeh scarf do not realise that it is a symbol of support for Palestinian liberation from Israeli occupation.
The Dose sent our fashion reporter Yasmin Erefet to an Eastern Suburbs mall today to survey keffiyeh wearers, and the results are shocking: seven out of ten scarf-wearers admitted to having absolutely no idea of the symbolism of the scarf, while two out of ten had a vague idea and only one in ten could give a detailed explanation of their motives for wearing it, usually accompanied by a long-winded rundown of the history of the Palestinian resistance. Interestingly, seven out of ten respondents were also unable to answer the questions ‘where is Palestine’ and ‘what is a scarf’.

INDIE ROCK DJS ADMIT, “WE CAN’T ACTUALLY MIX”
DJing trio and lads about town Los 3DJs today admitted in an interview with the Daily Dose that they made the decision to play “indie hits, irony and cheese” purely because they can’t actually mix. “We would play electro, or crunk, or dub step,” said one anonymous member, ”but we can’t actually beat match records, so we decided to hide our lack of talent by drop mixing big tunes instead.”

PATHOLOGICAL LIARS FOILED BY FACEBOOK
Advocacy group P.L.O.Y (Pathological Liars Of the Yarra) have filed a civil law suit against social networking website Facebook, claiming that its News Feed feature has ruined many of their members’ lives. “Our members suffer from a disease, the disease of lying uncontrollably,” said P.L.O.Y spokesman Fibber McGee. “They lived perfectly normally, telling different lies and stories to all different people, until Facebook came along and suddenly everyone in their friend circle could see exactly what they were telling everybody else. Our members are suing for the emotional distress and reputation damage caused by this disgraceful company’s irresponsible actions.”

‘N00B’ NOT ‘PWND’ ON INTHEMIX FORUMS
In an astounding event that has made internet history, a first-time poster to the popular inthemix.com.au forums has made a comment and not received a subsequent barrage of flames, burns, abuse and associated pwning. Forum regulars were unable to explain the phenomenon, with moderator Legal-Pig-Mike commenting that, “this is simply unheard of – a first time forum user posting a “hi guys, I’ve just arrived and you all seem really nice” message in a forum thread where posters were tearing shreds off this other free dance music website, and no one even stops to flame him! We’re worried that maybe our forum users have looked at so many Cat Bongz images that they’ve all turned into soft cocks!”

INDIE BAND MISTAKEN FOR EMOS ON CENTRAL COAST
Surry Hills based indie band The Sham entered counselling this week after being vilified as emos during a recent show in the Central Coast town of Port Macquarie. Frontman Julian McNite was clearly shaken by the incident, telling the Daily Dose that, “It must have been the clothes – we were just wearing our usual stovepipe jeans, white shirts and pencil ties with short leather jackets and asymmetrical fringes – and the crowd started throwing bottles at us and calling us emos as soon as we got onstage, despite the fact that we were clearly playing Kinks, Velvet Underground and Joy Division inspired jangly post punk!”

BOUNCERS DEMAND CHANGE OF IMAGE
Sydney nightclub bouncers have launched a positive public relations campaign, saying that they’re fed up with the way they are being portrayed. “We’re fed up with the way we’re being portrayed,” said one bouncer, who wished to remain anonymous. “People seem to think we’re this breed of uptight, violent, misogynistic, unfunny, unhappy, uncaring, unsympathetic, un-endowed, obnoxious, roided-up, racist, hatred-filled, bullying rude pieces of shit. Well, we’re sick of it quite frankly.” The new advertising campaign, which will hit TV screens within the week, outlines the positive role of doormen. “We offer clothing advice – particularly with shoes…that’s the big one,” a bouncer from a popular Kings Cross nightclub in Sydney said. “We also help people to stay healthy by relieving them of potentially dangerous substances, and teach people the virtues of patience by keeping them in queues outside empty nightclubs for hours. We also help them to keep things in perspective and realise how lucky they are to be allowed into dark underground rooms to drink overpriced, watered-down alcohol and dance to over-paid DJs. They don’t have bouncers in Afghanistan – think about that. It’s about time people realised we’re actually nice guys.”

NSW AUDIOPHILES SOCIETY ANNUAL PARTY A HUGE SUCCESS
More than 120 audiophiles convened at the Oxford Art Factory for the first-ever NSW Audiophiles Society members’ party last Sunday. The crowd was mostly pleased with the event, although there were complaints that the low-end was “lacking in weight” and “left a lot to be desired”. DJ BassReact0r was similarly mystified by song requests for Samuel Barber’s Adagio For Strings, Adagietto from Mahler’s Fifth Symphony and ‘anything from the Mercury Living Presence label’. “This guy was in my ear all night dissing my equipment, telling me that TriPlanar is better suited to more compliant cartridges, while Koetsus does better with higher mass arms… What the fuck-” Organiser and President Percy Toss hopes to turn the party into an annual event, provided that the “feeble amplifiers are no longer abused with high-frequency loads from ported speakers with LF bass extensions.”

KEBAB SHOP PATRON ENDS UP AT NIGHTCLUB
After a night out at Newtown kebab house Efes Turkish Pizza and Kebab last Saturday, Chris Sykes, 19, found himself eager to go to a nightclub. “We were just sitting round, eating our kebabs and shooting the shit.” It was only when Sykes and friends left the shop, at approximately 4am, that they decided they would find “somewhere to dance” on the way home. “After several hours of hard eating, we thought we’d earned it.” In an unrelated incident, a punk band from Brunswick trashed their guitars and equipment prior to playing any songs at a gig last Friday.

STREET PRESS BRAGS, READERS DON’T CARE
In a potential media war that could make the A Current Affair v. Today Tonight spat look significant, a Sydney street press magazine has bragged that its circulation figures of four months ago were larger than those of one of its competitors. A spokesman for the targeted magazine told the Daily Dose that, “we’ll be keeping a dignified silence on this one – besides, we believe our readers care more about quality than quantity. Suffice to say, the guilty parties’ parents have been informed, and we expect they’ll be receiving a stern talking to about such inappropriate behaviour as bragging and bullying.”

RADIOHEAD’S POST-MODERN PROJECT
Ground-breaking band Radiohead have announced a bold and bizarre plan for 2009, predicted to completely over-shadow their previously well-publicised ‘pay what you want’ scheme that saw fans choose how much they paid for the group’s seventh album, In Rainbows. “A lot of bands start out playing covers – you know, Zeppelin, Hendrix and stuff like that,” guitarist Ed O’Brien said. “But being Radiohead, we thought for our ‘09 tour we’d reverse the natural order and take the next step to become a covers act; begin your career writing original tunes and then finish it with covers. No one’s done it before. We’ll still be cutting edge.” So what sort of material can we expect from the ’Head- “Radiohead covers,” O’Brien revealed. “We thought about it and we figured, ‘Heck – we know our own songs better than anybody else’s so why not-’ It was Thom’s idea. You may think you’re watching Radiohead live on stage, but really you’ll be seeing Radiohead playing covers of Radiohead songs. It’s quite genius really, don’t think-”

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