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How To Write An Awards Acceptance Speech

Author: The CS Vault
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Are you amazing in front of the camera, or behind the mic, or both, but have issues putting down your summarised thoughts into a nice little package for television audiences- We've got just the thing for you.

Over the years, we've been privy to a lot of acceptance speech malfunctions from some of the world's best entertainers. Halle Berry's emotional speech was one for the scrapbook, while George Clooney's 'Hollywood is smart' diatribe was one for the scrapheap. Let's not forget Sally Field...that was a big blunder, a really, really big blunder (ugh @ pun).

So...we thought we'd jump in and save some hassles as to what stars should do prior to getting up on the stage in front of millions, preventing them from global stupidity tags.

Never thank a specific religion or deity.
In a world that comprises more religions (including Jedi) than there are people, it goes without saying that, if you choose one religion, you instantly piss off the other religions. It's obviously the reason why there are so many jihads on the US.

For example, many music stars thank God to be blessed with the ability to make a buck...err...sing. Dudes over in the Middle East are like, "Is this bitch for real, yo'- We're taking those motherfuckers out."

Because obviously they'd talk with black expressionisms.

Just think about it: the more accommodating you are to others, the more you'll sell your products. Be ambiguous with your promotion of certain icons.

Avoid highlighting political and social issues
Let's be honest: nobody cares what you do outside of your entertainment mask. Sure, you may think that you're on to something when discussing the social inequity generated through the ineptitude of governmental decisions, but we don't care - just show us your knockers (for the fellas - knackers or pecks, for the girls), gently smile to the camera, then get off stage and let Jon Stewart do his thing.

Don't marr your speech with self-gratifying dialogue
"In Hollywood, we are ahead of the times and point out the plights of others when others won't."

It's inevitable that, if an entertainer uses the stage to discuss image, plights and so forth, all they'll do is create headlines that go something like, "Celebrity Says Stupid Things, Looks Stupid", rather than making people aware of situations that require more than just one minute of someone's acceptance speech. It's kind of like the old high school thing (moreso in the US): "Uhhh...so, we wrote about stuff, BUT OUR [insert high school name] ROCKS! FUCK YEAH!"

Don't try to be poignant
Sure, you're trying your best to admire your accomplishments and those around you, but sometimes you just look really shitful if you go for something like Jamie Foxx did during his acceptance speech: "Give it up for Ray Charles and his beautiful legacy. And thank you, Ray Charles, for living."

This point just kind of writes itself from here, so we'll skip it.

Okay...here's another Jamie Foxx moment (about his grandmother): "She still talks to me now, only now she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we have a lot to talk about. I love you."

Finally...
Ensure you don't attend and have someone read out your speech. That way, they look like the idiot if it all goes to the shitter.

There you are. Your perfect speech ready and waiting for you. If you need any more help, we suggest talking to the Writers' Guild (a 'guild'- Who has a fucking 'guild'- It's like we're all stuck in a fucking Lord Of The Rings movie!)
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